At about the 20 week mark in my pregnancy with Lucie, I jotted down some thoughts on my experience. At that point I thought I still had half my pregnancy to go, but just four short weeks later, Lucie made her unexpected debut at 24 weeks and 1 day. Today, I am thankful to share that I have entered my 24th week of this pregnancy! With this personal milestone week, have come lots of thoughts, memories, anxieties and prayers.
As you know, I like to reflect, so I wanted to get my thoughts out on “paper”, so to speak.
Sometime last year, around the time two new babies joined our family of friends, Lucie started praying for a baby sister or brother. She would ask us every day and would pray at night. It was so sweet and adorable, and we’d always just answer her and say things like, maybe we will have another baby, but maybe we won’t and that’s okay.
In reality, Rob and I both had decided a long time ago that we were at peace to remain a family of three. Los Hicksons were complete.
Lucie’s questions planted a seed I couldn’t ignore, and there was a stirring in my heart to think about and pray about what it would look like to have another baby. Rob and I had several serious conversations and talked about the possibility. Every objection we came up with, although quite valid and understandable, didn’t hold enough weight for us to continue to feel like “no” was the answer anymore. It started to feel like, if we closed this door ourselves, we’d be depriving ourselves of something great.
I don’t mean just in depriving ourselves of having another baby.
I mean depriving ourselves of the opportunity to grow deeper in our relationship with God and with each other by stepping out in faith, confidence, and obedience even though it would be hard, and there would be so many unknowns.
First of all, would we even be able to get pregnant? It took 19 months to get pregnant with Lucie - and then just two months with Baby Fafa. COMPLETE SHOCKER for me!
What if the same thing happens? What if I go into preterm labor? What if the baby has to stay in the NICU? Would the baby thrive like Lucie? SO MANY UNKNOWNS.
So many opportunities to trust God and grow. So many more opportunities to fall into anxiety and become weary while taking our impatience and fear out on one another. So many opportunities for grace and forgiveness, and again, growth.
The last 5 1/2 months have been a true season of growing pains and learning how to cope in a healthy manner with anxieties about things that are unknown and completely outside of my control.
After three particularly hard weeks emotionally, I shared with a few close people I trust who are so supportive of me, how I had been feeling. I also got back into a rhythm of a morning readings, and have still been listening to a lot of really helpful and encouraging podcasts. After a short while, I was able to shift my focus from the unknown to the known.
What I do know is this: We are having a baby girl, and Lucie has lovingly named her Baby Fafa. Baby Fafa has passed every test with flying colors, even when there was a small concern that she may have a hole in one of her heart chambers. I am under close watch by an amazing, compassionate doctor. I am healthy, growing, and with each appointment, appear to be exactly as I should at this point in the pregnancy. I take weekly progesterone shots, and that combined with the procedure I had, are both intended to further strengthen and support my pregnancy reaching what will be full term for me: 36-37 weeks.
Up to this point, there are no concerns, so instead of spiraling into fears and worries over something that hasn’t happened, I have been focusing on these things that are true, and it has made a world of difference.
Sometime in the last two weeks, I did start to experience Braxton Hicks contractions. That definitely caused my worry to spike back up. Every time I have more than a couple back to back, I try to rest, and make sure I’m hydrated... but I also pray and think through everything that has happened so far and how Baby Fafa is doing so well. I think about how even though I don’t know how the rest of this pregnancy will feel day by day, I know WHO is with me through it all, and I believe that God has got Baby Fafa, and God has got me. That really does give me peace. Even if I have to remind myself several times in a day.
Other than feeling hungry more often, feeling extra tired, and having some back pain, especially at the end of the day, I really can’t complain about this pregnancy. It has been pretty low key on the physical side of things, so I am very thankful for that.
When it comes to cravings, I’m all over the map and they just last for about 2-3 days. Back in October, I really, really, really wanted mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. I haven’t been craving milk at all hours of the day, like I did with Lucie, but a little coffee mug, filled with Honey Nut Cheerios and milk definitely hits the spot. Haha!
I am feeling Baby Fafa move around a ton! Rob has started to feel her too. I can’t wait until Lucie can feel a kick or two.
Lucie loooooves the fact that she is a big sister, and that she will have a little sister. She says, “I love you, Baby Fafa,” and talks about the baby when she’s playing. She actually shared the news with her teachers and some of our friends before we did! It is still hard for her to consistently remember that the baby won’t be here for awhile. She will say, “Is the baby going to be outside today?” We’ll remind her that first comes her birthday, then Christmas, then January, then February, then MARCH! “And what happens in March, Lucie?” “BABY FAFA WILL BE HERE!”
We’re looking forward to the next few months of pregnancy, experiencing the third trimester(!), having a sweet family trip celebrating Lucie’s 4th birthday and Christmas, and then just getting to savor this time as a family of three before welcoming our second little girl at the beginning of March.